I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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