Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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