Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
