i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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