So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
