just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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