Just fell off a train. Bad.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
