Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
