I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
