I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
