You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
