capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
