Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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