1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
