The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
