Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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