best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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