Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
