i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
