I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
