God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
