So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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