His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
