you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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