I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
