oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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