y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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