just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
