How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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