I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My penis needs a shock collar
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
