dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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