Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
