dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
