im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
