The maid of honor just puked.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
