she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
