apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
