Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
