I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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