I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
