He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Drunk is a universal language darling
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
