Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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