walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
