All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
