Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
