Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
