last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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