sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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