areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
