Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Everyone says I win the strip club
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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