Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
