dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
