Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
