Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize