the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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