NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
