In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
